Sunday, March 01, 2009

Because blogging about pain makes readers happy!

It's never a good sign when the doctor lets out a long, low whistle. I should know, I have plenty of data points on this reaction. In this case it was a surgical specialist suggested by my regular doctor. My normal doc loves all the experience I give him, but he knows when it's time to let someone else have the fun (and boat down payment!).

So, what's going on? Just the dark side of one of my super powers. Cholesterol tends not to plate out in my blood veins, which is a very handy thing seeing I'd rather not suffer a stroke or heart attack. However, the cholesterol can't just ride the blood train indefinitely like some homeless subway bum, at some point the gooey little bits do start gathering in unruly, gelatinous mobs just below the skin. At this point it's a simple cut-n-flick to get them gone. Bu-bye, bad stuff!

Of course, if you get busy and put it off for a few years...then the procedure becomes much more invasive.

Merriwether, post-invasion.

Good hospital though, they kept the blankets in an oven. Mmm, toasty! Oh, and if you are wondering what I was thinking in this picture it was, "Interesting, rays of colored light are shooting from my feet. Maybe I can fly? I swear to use these ray-shooting, flying feet only for good!" which point the nurse would shove me back into the wheelchair.

Which is way better than the gnomes Izzy and my brother report seeing in their post-op experiences. Gnomes scare me...they are so freaky short. I bet they'd love to cut my lovely long legs off with those little gnome saws they always carry around with them...uh, perhaps I still have a bit of Vicodin in the bloodstream.

Now here's an important post-surgical tip for all you readers out there. Never grow so big that no one in your household is capable of helping you to bed. Unfortunately in my case this stature was acquired well before ever meeting Misseswether. End result was me sleeping for four hours on the living room floor after we got back from the hospital.

To big too move.

Eventually most of the anesthesia wore off and Misseswether was able to help me to bed. Understanding the potential humor of this situation, Misseswether handed the camera to Miniwether and told her to take pictures if it looked like daddy was falling over. I love how supportive my family is of this blog.

Miniwether took this shot. If you look closely you can see that Misseswether just barely comes up to my armpit and I outweigh her by an amount she will not let me repeat on the internet.

I really don't remember much about the trip from the floor to the bed but I'm pretty sure my power of flight was gone by then. Probably for the best seeing as the bedroom is upstairs and THERE WAS A FREEAKIN ANNOYING BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW WHICH WOULDN'T STOP SINGING AT THE TOP OF ITS FREEKIN LUNGS FOR HOURS AND FREEKIN HOURS!!! No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my colored foot-blaster rays functioning again. Yes, killing that bird would have been using these powers for good as IT WAS A FREEKIN EVIL BIRD!!!

Uh, yeah. Anyway...let's have a look at the incisions, shall we?

Me, before the surgery. I knew they were going to have to shave part of my head, so to avoid looking funny I shaved the whole thing two days before going in. This led to much whispering and speculation at work as to what was going on. I told them I had picked up my old job as a bouncer at a strip club to help pay the bills and had to look tough...can't wait to hear the rumors when I show back up at work all cut up.

Bandages off.

Neck: 2" incision.

Shoulder: 3" incision.

Back: 4.5" main incision with two 1" sidecuts. I'm hoping the doc didn't snag a kidney while he was in there...

So, that's the story. Sorry it didn't involve cougars or alligators or ending up impaled on a long piece of rebar. I guarantee you that it has been very painful, if that makes you feel better.

Adventure! Excitement! Medical Bills!


Izzy G. said...

I love how they gave you an empty 6 gallon container of kitty litter incase you barfed. Lol.

I feel your pain from the last September when I had my oral surgery. I have to go back now that I am healed and have surgery four seperate times again to cap and replace lost roots and jaw bone cause the wisdom teeth were so damned impacted.

Kelly said...

Glad you are ok. Seeing those pics looked like soething terrible attacked you. I guess cholesterol and knives count as something attacking.

Yes, I too noticed the kitty litter barf bucket. Nice touch. ;)

I share your fear of all too short things including gnomes. Freaks me out.
TO obtain your rays of light again, may I suggest a vicodin chased with Jack Daniels. You may be able to actually fly after that.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get any good stuff after my retinal reattachment surgery but the stuff they gave me to go under was great! I remember laughing alot and seeing lots of bright, neon colors coming out of the nurse's surgical cap. The medicine they gave me afterwards was awful: eyedrops that would travel down my tear ducts and into the back of my throat. Healing you can taste, mmmmmmm... yuck.

Congrats on the successful surgery! Hope you feel better.

Merriwether said...

Thanks all, it's been a rough couple of days.

Funny y'all immediately recognized the kitty litter tub as a puke bucket. It came in handy after I tried eating a chicken nugget.

I went back to work today but in retrospect, I think I should have taken another day off. Oh well, live and learn.

So, keep shaving the head or let the hair grow back?

Brad said...

Dude, you should have stayed home today and given yourself one more day to heal.

As for the hair, it matters not what we say but what Misseswether says. Seriously.

Glad your're feeling better. Pillow still hurts?

(MamaB saw the pics and says "Ouch!")

Wildcat said...

cool pics man! I like the shaved head. You look like a big burly wrestler. Glad to see you are feeling better.


Anonymous said...

I say let it grow back just a little to get the high-and-tight military look! With the scars you'll have a total bad-ass thing going on! (Not that you don't regularly have a bad-ass thing going on...)

clarktx said...

I agree about the shaved head. It might be a good direction for you to head in. On the other hand, we would get stopped more often when hiking, I think.

When I was a kid, my friend had his gerbil operated on. Not a joke. they took out a tumor. And they put it in a little vial and let him take it home. I guess they didn't offer you the same courtesy :(

Glad you survived in good shape.

Windrider said...

Man, no fun at all....

I say go back to work and tell them you got into a scrap on your first night at the bouncing job and got cut up.

Or tell them with a dead serious face that you joined a Fight Club.

I say keep the shaved look for a while and see if you like it.

Kelly said...

I'll be the dissenter and say let the hair grow back. The shaved look is kind of scary. But if you want to go for the tough guy look, stayed shaved. :)

Stay home from work and get better!

Hope you are feeling better. Those are some nasty scars.

Edward said...

hello what did happen with you?? hard pictures!!! this don't feel happy!! the last week I took a 1 Generic Viagra pill, one tramadol pill and vicodin this was terrible I was crazy