Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A warning to donut splitters.

Most Tuesdays one of our chemical suppliers brings two boxes of donuts to our lab. We have scouts set up watching out windows and covering the elevators and staircases to let us know the second they arrive. When the word is given we all rush to the kitchen like democrates to someone else's wallet.

We take donuts VERY SERIOUSLY. Often these donuts are the only bright spot of our week. Everyone takes two donuts and returns to their offices. Then we sneak back through the next few hours to snag more until they are all gone.

But CERTIAN PEOPLE screw everything up. They are the donut splitters.

After taking their donuts they return and take half a donut more. They PICK UP A DONUT, RIP IT IN HALF, AND RETURN PART OF THE FINGER-SQUISHED DONUT TO THE BOX!!! Worse yet, some will want two different donuts but don't "cheat on their diet" by just taking HALF OF TWO DIFFERENT DONUTS!!! Soon the box is filled with nasty, fingerprinted donut halves. Nobody wants to eat the remaining halves, especially since we know everyone else's hygiene habits!

So there's going to be a change. Introducing my new kitchen commandos, the IGODD (International Group Of Donut Defenders):

We are geared up and ready to rain .62 caliber, air-powered, paintball pain down onto anyone splitting a donut. Beware destroyers of our sugary happiness, that fern in the corner just might be the cleverly disguised Dark Mark, Trinadad's top shot! No one to see your crime? Hah, Big AM will pop up from the tea bags and blast you into painty submission! What's that sound? Oh no, busted by our chilly Canadian, Cold Fever hidden in the ice maker! That humming fluorescent light? Wait, it's our Moscow madman, Kremlin Kreamer! Donut splitters make him see (more) red!!!

Go ahead and make my day Mister "Three Solid Lines And Four Dotted Lines Report To Me On The Org-Chart So I Can Do What I Want" (I swear he actually has that printed on his business cards!) You had better stuff both halves of that donut into your mouth or by all that is holey I will leave you marked for life (or at least until your next shower). For I am he that wields the rightous sword brought forth in defense of jelly-filled innocents! My powdery flock shall remain safe under my steely gaze and hardened troopers!! The great baker in the sky has called my number and I will respond with CO2-powered vengence!!!!*


Adventure! Excitement! IGODD!!!

*Editorwether would like it known that the above rant is just a joke. The splitters will continue their donut desecrations unmolested.**

**Merriwether adds, "For now!".

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