Sunday, April 02, 2006

A weekend spent doing manly stuff!

Like weeding the flower beds, fertilizing the yard and putting down fire ant poison.

Anyone who says illegal immigrants are just doing the work Americans won't probably isn't married with a house in the suburbs.

I mean really, why put chemicals on a lawn just to make it need cutting more often? How dumb is that? Last year I took that philosophy to the next level and stopped watering the Great Green Beast. My plan worked great! The Texas sun quickly turned the yard a lovely shade of brown which I felt perfectly complimented the tan of our house.

Missewether didn't agree.

Neither did the homeowners association...

I have a letter to prove it. It had words like "property values", "obligations", and "legal" in it. Well, I'm assuming it did. All the others they send me do. On the plus side it didn't say anything about not droppng extra-large fireworks down into the storm sewers. It's so cool! All the manhole covers on the block hop up an inch or two...

Uh, then the neighbors come out and start using words like "police", "damages", "blowtorch to your" and, well, let's just say the last word is "censored".

No one ever mentions that all the raccoons have left. Our garbage is safe at night thanks to me and those wonderful people in the Chinese fireworks factory. Are we thanked? Nope. They just demand I haul around hoses every night after work and conduct biological warfare on the weekends. That second part wouldn't be quite so bad if they didn't hamstring me with their wussy rules of engagement. Apparently they don't feel "scorched Earth" is a valid gardening technique. They want the weeds killed? I can so do that. I even have a flame thrower (I named her "Licky")! They want the shrubs to survive? Uh, that requires a more delicate touch, not really my strong point...

Fire? DEFINATELY my strong point.

Adventure! Testosterone! April Fool's Day*!

*Editorwether would like it to be known that:
1. We have not received any letters from our home owner's association demanding Merriwether take better care of the lawn. While the lawn has suffered due to drought conditions these last two years the letters were actually requests to scrub some mildew off the north side of our house and to remove from our driveway some boulders he had purchased for a project**.
2. While the mortars fired into the storm sewers really did cause the manhole covers to hop, no raccoons had actually been seen in our neighborhood prior to this event.
3. Merriwether's flame thrower is not named "Licky"***

**Editorwether would like it known that the boulders were actually bought for landscaping purposes, not as ammo for a trebuchet.

***Merriwether states, "It is now."

No comments: